Unreliable…

Do you ever get tired of having to tell everyone maybe?  Maybe I’ll be able to go shopping with you for your birthday.  Maybe I’ll be able to make it to my doctor’s appointment by myself.  Maybe I’ll be able to go with you to your company outing.  We’ll see how I’m feeling that day.

Gah!!!!

I just get so sick of it all!  Ironic using that word.  I could use tired, but…  We have to constantly live in a world of “maybe” “we’ll see”.  We are not able to truly plan anything.  What’s worse is when something big comes up, something important, like the graduation of a child.  We worry how we will be feeling that day and almost make ourselves sick worrying about it.

I’ve gotten to a point in my life, illness…whatever you want to call it, where I just can’t live like that anymore.  I recently made the decision to seek counseling.  Sure, it’s another “appointment” that I may or may not be able to go to, but I need to try!

How do we live in a world where everyone lives on a schedule?  Where everything is planned?  If you have read my “About” page, you know I have reached the point where I can’t make it to work every day.  I am not reliable anymore.  Reliable!  An interesting word.   An adjective meaning one that may be relied on; dependable in achievement, accuracy, etc.  Heck, my boyfriend can’t even rely on me to cook dinner every night.  I can’t ensure that I will be able to shower every day.  How am I supposed to tell someone if I can make it to some engagement next Thursday evening?

So what do we do?  We do the only thing we can do.  We answer with, “Maybe” or “If I’m up to it” or “Let’s see how I’m feeling”.  It’s all we can say, because that’s all we know.  No one can plan on us to be there, count on us, rely on us.  Our self-esteem suffers.  Did I mention I am going to counseling?

Well John should be home from his business trip soon, so I should try to go make some dinner.

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