Acceptance…One Day At A Time!

When I first found out I had Fibromyalgia, like many, I thought…okay, I can do this, there has to be a cure.  I wasn’t sure what Fibromyalgia was, but I had seen the commercials.  You know the ones where it shows a smiling woman taking her Cymbalta or Lyrica.  It will get better from here, we have a diagnosis and now we can fix it!  My Rheumatologist explained to me there is no cure, that it can be managed but I will always have Fibromyalgia.  She was also honest in that a lot of patients, about half are disabled and it was a 50/50 chance that I might not get much better.  That was quite a blow for me.  It took me a couple days for it to really sink in but I realized, I am always going to be sick!  Even if I get better, it can come back at any time.

Once I got over the initial shock of knowing I have an incurable disease (syndrome, whatever you want to call it), I was determined to be in the 50% that got better.  I decided I would follow my doctor’s instructions, take whatever was needed, do whatever I could to get better, to feel better.

After almost a year from my diagnosis, I had to have my right hip replaced due to Osteoarthritis, I literally had very little to no hip joint left.  After going back to work, my boyfriend helped me realize that I am torturing myself.  I was doing more harm by continuing to work.  I never had time for anyone or anything.  I got up, showered if I was lucky, went to work, came home and literally collapsed!  That was tough and continues to be a struggle for me.

During all of this, not only was I trying to understand what was going on with me but also trying to explain it to my family and friends.  This was next to impossible since I didn’t truly understand it myself.  I was trying to be the same old me, be there for my kids, be supportive for my boyfriend, be a good friend, take care of the house, the pets…all of this while my body was literally spiraling out of control!

After almost 2 years of trying the different Fibromyalgia drugs, seeing a pain management specialist and trying whatever therapy I can.  I am still hovering around a 6 or 7 on the pain scale most days.  I am still asking myself, what am I doing wrong?  I know people who are able to work and can get by with a supplement and breakthrough meds.  I so badly want to be one of those lucky few that go into remission, one of those who somehow manage to lead some sort of a normal life!

During those two years, I put myself through a lot by wanting what I did not have! I kept telling myself that there’s something wrong with me, I’m not trying hard enough.  Maybe I really don’t want to get better.  What if there’s something out there I am missing, I just need to read more.  If I spent a lot of time researching treatments or diets and the latest supplement, other areas of my life suffered.  It was truly like having a full time job again.   It’s a delicate balancing act, trying to manage “spoons” when you’re sick. (The Spoon Theory)

I became depressed.  I stopped doing things that I enjoyed.  I worried constantly.  My pain grew more intense and I turned away from those I love.  I was truly mourning my old self.  I felt unworthy of love, useless and I just wanted the pain to stop, I wanted all of it to just stop!  I did realize one thing that I was doing right through all of the depression and self-hatred.  I was mourning my former self.  I needed to do that and continue to do that in order to move on with the rest of my life.  I can’t continue comparing myself to what I was, what I could do.  What others can do.  This is me now, for better or worse, I had to accept it.  It is still a work in progress, but that is the key.  I am working on it!  One spoon at a time, one day at a time!

Trying to get our friends and loved ones to accept this, well that’s another subject!



One thought on “Acceptance…One Day At A Time!

  1. O wow, I have just found your blog. You have just put into words exactly how I feel about the desperate need to be one of the ones whoe gets better….


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