I am sitting here this evening in so much pain I could scream, literally scream! I don’t because I am sure it would freak my son out and well, knowing my luck, it would somehow cause more pain. When I am hurting like I am today, I am usually not a very nice person to be around. I snap at everyone. I have an “attitude”. I work VERY hard at simply being quiet. It takes too much energy and concentration to actually work at being pleasant when I am in this much pain.
Let’s get to the pain! I am being very vague about it…well, mostly because it’s hard to describe. That’s a lie, it isn’t hard to describe the pain. I mostly keep it to myself because I don’t want to see the one of three looks I usually encounter when describing my pain. My favorite is the look of either disbelief that “I couldn’t possibly be suffering that much and not sobbing or begging to go to the E.R.”, the look of “you poor thing” or just a look of horror. Or the ever popular, “I’m sorry”.
Today my pain is off the charts! I don’t even want to try give it a number. Around here, I typically use a number to describe my pain level, you know, like they ask you at the hospital or doctor’s office. On a pain of 1 to 10, 1 being in no pain at all and 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt…where is your pain level? Today, it is…oh, about a 20! It’s not just one pain that is causing this score. It is all of the pain wrapped in a neat little package called Fuck My Life.
My headache today is actually about a 4, pretty manageable if it weren’t for everything else. My ears (hearing) have been messed up all day. It started yesterday with feeling like I need to pop my ears. Like being on an airplane (or so I’m told). Annoying but not really painful. I have an all over kind of yuck feeling, like when you have the flu and you just feel like shit. Oh, and shit…yes, that’s right, my stomach and lower region have not been very nice to me today or last night for that matter.
My mouth hurts, I have an abscess tooth and it is absolutely killing me today! Yep, that’s right folks…a lot of us have bad teeth. Do we have the money or insurance to have them fixed? I know I don’t! Plus going to the dentist is a NIGHTMARE for me. Last year I had two teeth pulled and they had to shoot my mouth full of so much crap. I could still feel pain while they yanked them. I really think it was 6 or more shots. Maybe it’s the fact that my blood already has so many pain meds coursing through it! Go me!! Not to mention my anxiety level was in overdrive that day. Okay, moving on.
My back. My lower back hurts, spasms mostly with sharp, shooting pains thrown in for good measure. My mid back, particularly my spine feels like the vertebrae are actually crumbling as we speak. Not kidding! Let’s not forget the good old shoulders and neck made of concrete. How could I ever forget them? They are almost constantly in knots but today in particular just won’t let me even begin to reach over my head.
Moving down, my hips…well, the left one is just toast and feels like it has been burnt. It actually feels warm to the touch! My right hip is doing actually pretty good since it’s made of mostly steel and plastic.
My arms and legs have been “falling asleep” off and on all day. Again, not particularly painful but really frustrating.
To put the cherry on my day, I am pretty sure I had a seizure earlier. I was trying to rest laying on the couch and just felt “weird” like a big fuzzy gray cloud just decided to plop right on top of me. It was ‘fuzzy’ and ‘muffled’ and I got a sharp stabbing pain in my lower back and next thing I know I am picking up remotes, glasses and my phone off of the floor wondering how in the heck they got down there. Tonight I am barely functional.
Mostly I am suffering from lack of sleep. I am so tired and don’t want to go to bed and leave my son alone basically and lonely. Poor kid had instant mac & cheese and chicken sausages for dinner. Yep, they make chicken sausage! Well, I am going to try to take a nice cocktail of meds and hope that I am able to watch an entire movie for my son’s sake. I think I’ve done enough whining and bitching for tonight.