What am I forgetting?…

I have been wanting to write more often than I have lately.  My goal was 3 times a week.  Ha!!  Sometimes I get this great inspiration and my mind is a flutter with all I want to say.  And by the time I make it to the laptop, it’s gone *poof* just as quickly as it came and I am left looking at my computer screen wondering what the hell happened!

It’s like when someone interrupts you and by the time you have a chance to speak again, you’ve forgotten what you want to say.  Except, my own mind is interrupting itself!  It’s NOT like when you go into a room and forget what you went in there for, because eventually, you remember why you went in there.  For me, it’s just gone, like dust in the wind!  ♥ Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind! ♥

Seriously, when you are dealing with Fibro Fog, you can’t remember if it’s something you had thought of before or not!  I think at this rate, by next year, I could plan my own surprise party!  Ha!  Not that I’d remember to actually go!

Then I get from friends, “Oh, I do that too.”  No you don’t!  I know you want to relate but you can’t possibly begin to understand the mental strain it takes to try to just make it through my day.  I forget important things like, eating, you know…things that come to others without having to think about it.  Sure, my stomach growls if I don’t eat, but again, by the time I go to make something or get a snack…I’ve forgotten what I was doing and end up doing a load of laundry instead.  So, I don’t eat until my stomach makes it’s needs known once again.  If I don’t do something that I want to do right away, like take a shower for instance, I won’t think of it again for hours, if at all!!  I mean taking a shower should be something that you just “do” without thinking about it right!?  I actually have a reminder on my calendar to take a shower every day!  Thank God for smart phones because if something ever happened to mine, I’d truly be lost without my ‘reminders’!  I actually have identical reminders on my phone and my laptop, so I get two reminders instead of just one!  They are synced because I have a hard enough time remembering to actually put reminders in one of them, let alone two!

Not to mention, I have problems actually speaking complete sentences.  Can you imagine!?  I really have to stop and think about what it is I am trying to say, search for words, then actually get back to the thought I was trying to get across.  I can’t tell you the number of times I do this and it’s especially difficult before say, 3 or 4 in the afternoon.  I know in my head I am doing this, that I sound like an elementary student trying to explain Algebra or something.  I know people are looking at me like I must have some mental disorder or something.  It is so frustrating!  Gah!!  So, yeah…that’s why I write.   It is much easier to put it down in text than to actually try and verbalize what I want to say.  The keyboard doesn’t care that I have to stop and think about what I just typed, it just types, it doesn’t judge…well if spellcheck doesn’t count!

Okay, phew…now that that rant is over…

Since my diagnosis almost two years ago, I have done a lot of reading on Fibromyalgia and it’s ever present “fog”.  I have heard it described by those working with Alzheimer’s patients that it truly is like having early onset dementia.  I could not agree more!!

Here is some interesting information I found recently.

In 2008, McGill University’s M. Catherine Bushnell, Ph.D., found that there is a loss of gray matter in fibromyalgia patients. The loss of gray matter was found in many areas of those parts of the brain responsible for memory and pain. The study was a small one, but generated widespread attention, since any clinical findings for fibromyalgia lend credence to the syndrome often called the, “invisible disease.”

If you suffer from fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) you are likely concerned about the meaning of this loss of gray matter. You may wonder if this loss is the cause of your pain or cognitive dysfunction. Bushnell’s small study showed that the loss of gray matter increases the longer the patient has experienced symptoms.

Bushnell explains, “It is well documented that cognitive functions, such as speed of information processing, working memory, and long-term memory, decline continuously across the adult life span beginning in the second decade of life. So an obvious question arising from our preliminary findings is: ‘What is the relationship between accelerated brain aging in FMS patients and cognitive function?’

A great many fibromyalgia patients suffer from cognitive functioning impairment. So many, in fact, that a nickname has been assigned to the condition: fibro-fog. Fibromyalgia patients who suffer from fibro-fog have trouble retrieving thoughts and sometimes feel as though their heads are stuffed with cotton. Well, it’s no wonder, since one study showed that the brain of a fibromyalgia patient functions on a level 20 years older than its actual age.

So I’m actually 61!?  That explains a lot! LOL

Seriously, I have to laugh at myself or I’d be in tears most of the time!  You have to have some sort of sense of humor with this disease.  If you don’t, you can easily find yourself curled up in a ball crying your eyes out wanting to die.  I have told John many times that I wish I had Cancer or something that most people can relate to or even begin to understand.  After awhile, everyone starts to thinks you are just attributing everything as a Fibromyalgia symptom.  Why wouldn’t they think, not everything going on in your life could be related to Fibromyalgia.  Can it?  Well, it does…this disease takes our lives and shakes it up in ways no one can understand unless you actually have Fibromyalgia.  It is a fight every day to just try to have a life with some sort of normalcy.  I just want to be like everyone else!  Years ago, I couldn’t imagine myself saying that!  I tried really hard not to be like everyone else, I miss that girl that loved life and was full of ambition!  I wanted so much out of life!  Now I yearn for the simplest of things…I want to be able to take a walk with my dogs.  I want to be able to go out with friends and dance.  I want to be able to make love to my boyfriend when I want to, not when my body decides I can.  I want to get up early and go to work and complain about my job and my boss.  I want to be able to bend down and put on my shoes or pick up my dog without wincing in pain.  I want to hug my kids without worrying if they can tell that it hurts.  I want to be spontaneous!!  I want to be able to sleep like I used to, all night, without waking up in pain.  I want to be able to write this damn blog without having to take multiple breaks because I can’t focus for more than 15 minutes at a time!  Ugh!

Dang, I was trying not to go into another rant.  Anyhooooo…thanks for reading!  I will try to come back more often and with a little less rant!

Don’t forget to tell me what you think or if you have any questions…please comment or e-mail me!

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9 thoughts on “What am I forgetting?…

  1. Oh, I totally understand what you mean about taking your pain meds (opiates) and others being concerned or not approving of your use of them. Yet, they don’t understand how impossible our lives would be without them. It truly is a lesser of two evils.
    They are necessary to allow us to try to regain some control of our lives again. We never are able to lead a completely normal life because what people don’t understand is that even though we suffer through the side effects, the medications never take away the pain entirely. It’s the only option that makes life bearable though.
    I apologize for my ramblings this morning, it’s taken me far too long to write this comment because I’m waiting for my medications to kick in so I can function but really wanted to write back after reading your comments.

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  2. I don’t have fibromyalgia, so I don’t know about your brain fog, but I do know about mine and I believe it has 2 causes. 1) Just pain, all the time. There’s a part of my brain dealing with it 24/7 and that takes away from other things that my brain could be doing. 2) Opiates. I’ve been on them for decades now. They must have had some effect on my brain’s ability to function properly. I stop in the middle of a sentence waiting for my brain to clear up what I actually want to say. I lose words, really lose. They’re not on the tip of my tongue or anywhere my brain can access them; they’re just gone. I walk around sometimes with a vague recognition that people are talking to me, or including me, but it doesn’t reach any conscious level of my brain. I’m not going to include myself in the conversation because I have no idea what they’re talking about. I see those around me getting frustrated, concerned about the narcotics I take, but they haven’t seen me without them. I become immobile, stiff to the point of rigor mortis. You can’t move one part of my body without moving my whole body. The pills and treatments give me the semblance of a normal life. Otherwise they’d be visiting me at a nursing home at the ripe old age of 51.

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  3. Thanks for including the “gray matter” information. I had a MRI a few months ago and am going to discuss this with my neurologist. I use to never forget anything….around 20 years ago fibro hit me. I appreciate you taking the time to write and post your blog.

    I just read “shower chair” and related to everything you wrote. I even bend my head over to wash my hair as holding my arms overhead is too much. I have to brace myself against the shower wall so I won’t fall when standing up. I know why there are grab bars in showers and tubs now! I wish we had them.

    Our children are grown and my grandchildren are too much for me to take care of alone. I need to lay down too much, etc. I am pushing 60 so am I thinking like a 79 year old? I hope not. I can’t help it I feel older but I keep fighting the mind thing. I think I’ll cut myself some slack in light of your gray matter finding.

    Not that I want anyone to feel like I do but it is comforting to find others with the same problems, (I refuse to use the term “issues” about my health.)

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  5. Tina..I love reading your blog. It’s like your inside my head sometimes only ..my kids are grown. Girl , keep up the great work here! Love it! { p.s. I can’t remember your new one lol} honestly..lol..I can’t! Love u girl

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