So I am sitting here in my garage (aka. office, aka. smoking lounge) sipping on Coke Zero, smoking and contemplating what I wanted to write about. I have a million things running through my head at any given moment, so you would think it’d be fairly easy to figure out.
Problem is, actually being able to focus on any of those given thoughts for even a few minutes without another thought barging in front of it. Like, “Did I put the load in the washer in the dryer?” Then you have those annoying and ever present pains that hit you like someone smacked you up side the head, that’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt! And of course there are the outside distractions, like say your dog barking at God only knows what out in the yard and the other dog scratching at the door to be let out to investigate what the other dog is barking at. Then, because of the pain that smacked me in the head earlier – it takes five times longer to actually let the dog out of the house (because she might actually have to relieve herself) and walk out into the yard to see what the hell the other dog is barking at…only to realize that you are now standing in your front yard with morning hair, wearing your pajamas with no bra as your neighbor waves and half smiles at you!
Oh yeah, I wanted to write about the two things that help keep me sane. Smoking and diet soda!
Did you hear that?
I’m pretty sure I just heard most of the online world gasp in shock that I would do such horrible things to my body when I am already sick. I know my Rheumatologist doesn’t approve of my smoking and diet soda consumption…she reminds me every time I see her! She says that smoking will exacerbate my symptoms. Really!? Because the changes in temperature, barometric pressure, humidity and precipitation can also “exacerbate my symptoms”, so maybe we should have a talk with Mother Nature and see if she can stop this madness!
Some say that Aspartame (artificial sweetener) is the devil and will kill me. Again, really!? REALLY!? Go ahead and take all that I have left I can actually enjoy and while you’re at it, why don’t you make me feel even more guilty than I already do for…well for being sick.
Off subject…again with those annoying thoughts that distract…
Let’s talk about that for a minute…feeling guilty about being sick. It is a normal and perfectly natural response to not being able to somehow contribute to the family, that well let’s face it, if you’re like me, you pretty much did everything for before you got sick. I used to be “Mommy, finder of all lost things”. Now I am among the things that are lost! My boyfriend, God love him, tries to reassure me that I do contribute. He reminds me…
I do the laundry – Sure, but it takes me days to actually get it somewhat caught up, because let’s face it, when is laundry ever “done”. Before, I could manage to stay on top of it almost daily and work full-time.
I cook – Sometimes, but I wouldn’t call what I do, cooking. It’s more like throwing in a family size pre-packaged lasagna dish or ordering take-out. A lot of times, he will actually cook…and he is much better at it since he is a chef after all. Which makes my attempt at cooking seem even more pitiful.
I clean – Again, it takes me all week just to dust, clean the bathrooms and get one of the kids to vacuum and mop for me. This doesn’t even include trying to keep things picked up and kind of organized.
My boyfriend primarily does the grocery shopping, it’s just too much for me unless I am having a good day (Ha!) and just need a few things.
So, as you can see…even though he is well meaning, I don’t really “do” much of anything. Because I can’t! Oh and don’t even get me started on those memes going around Facebook or online anywhere about how “you can do anything you set your mind to” or any of those “uplifting” messages. Gah! It doesn’t apply here!! I live in this prison you can’t see, this prison that let’s me see glimpse of who I was but then knocks me back down into solitary confinement when the pain hits. I know those memes are also well-meaning, like most of the people in my life…but no one can ever truly understand the struggles I have with myself on a daily basis, both physical and mental! Don’t you think I would feel better if I could!!? That’s really the heart of it isn’t it? Don’t you think I would feel better, mentally or physically, if I could!? I mean really, do you think I want to be in pain 24/7 or be depressed or have anxiety? Do you really think that? Because I don’t! I don’t want this life I have to live now. I want to be able to go to work, jog, play with my dogs, go watch my daughter’s competition, go out with my boyfriend. I want NOTHING MORE than to break free from this damn prison I am in.
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense and I didn’t mean to go on a rant here…but sometimes you just have to get it out!