Sometimes I just want 24 hours where I am not thinking-breathing-talking through pain? Is that really too much to ask? I want to scream at the top of my lungs and bang my head against a wall until I am unconscious so I don’t have to think about how much my body hurts and what it is doing to me.
I don’t talk about exactly how much I hurt because quite frankly, I doubt anyone would believe me and if they did, I wouldn’t want to upset them. It’s disturbing to me sometimes. I think my family and friends would be dismayed to know the amount of pain I am in day in and day out. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t talk about it, I do…mostly with John. I already annoy myself with how much I talk about it. I can only imagine how he feels about it, but there are times that I can’t remember if I have discussed it with John or it was my own inner thoughts. Most of our conversations begin with him asking me, so how are you feeling? I try to keep it short and sweet, so I have managed to put a lid on it to a certain extent.
When you don’t always want to talk about how much you’re hurting, you have to minimize the outward appearance of the pain. Sometimes I amaze myself at how much I can push myself through without screaming or simply collapsing. I am still surprised at how I can walk somewhat normally when my legs, hips and back feel like they are crumbling under each step. I have mastered this art over the last 2 years. There are times I think I must be the world’s best actress! Seriously, I know I can’t hide all of my pain – sometimes those nasty, sharp, stabbing pains catch you off guard or it hurts so much to walk, I can’t help but wince with each step. But then, all of it catches up with me and I end up in bed bawling my eyes out asking myself, is this as good as it gets for me? I have to spend almost every waking moment (and even sometimes sleeping) in constant agony? I mean, I do have some good days, maybe 3 or 4 a month. By good, I mean my pain level hovers around 4 or 5, yes…that is a good day!
Don’t get me wrong, I have a pretty awesome life! I have everything I need, more than I probably deserve and family and friends that genuinely care about me and love me. It’s those times, when I am laying in my bed literally wanting to die, that I have to hang on to those things! The things that keep me going and pushing and getting up every day…the love and support from my family. Again, especially John.
When we first started dating almost 4 years ago, I wasn’t the person I am today. I didn’t need a cane or a wheelchair. I wasn’t depressed or crying every week. I was a single mom working her butt off to make a life for me and my kids. I was somewhat energetic and definitely a lot more fun! I was able to go to work, clean, go out, enjoy a weekend outing…you get the idea. Was it rough, sure, but it was manageable. About a year into our relationship, I started not feeling so good. I had heart arrhythmias, fatigue and some dizziness…from there it just went downhill and multiple doctors and tests later, we were facing Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis and MCTD.
During those last 3 years, he has literally seen me at my absolute worst and still looks at me with so much love in his eyes, it makes my heart melt! My absolute worst was when I was in the emergency room and he was there for me in a way that I doubt most men would be able to, let alone want to! He took care of me after my total hip replacement. Helped me walk, bathed me, and pretty much did anything he could to make me more comfortable. He is always trying to make me as comfortable as possible and make things easier for me, from a new mattress topper to a different vehicle I can get in and out of easier. Sometimes all he can do is just hold me and let me cry and that’s enough! He is a saint, my hero, my soul mate and the greatest love of my life! So on days when the pain gets too much, I just remember…
True love does conquer all!