I’m Back!!


I fight for my health and the things I am still able to do every day in ways most people will never understand. Those of us with chronic illnesses know this all to well.

I think this is the biggest reason that we tend to seem moody to others. We have to work so hard at things that used to come so easy to us.  This is where resentment and jealousy can find it’s way in.  I know I have been guilty of letting these two things get the best of me.  Like when a friend calls up and wants to meet me somewhere for lunch or go get our nails done. I have to say no most times because I am too tired and in too much pain to make it.  It’s especially hard when it’s something my kids want me to do, like drive them somewhere, throw a football around or simply lay out in the sun and I have to say no because I don’t have the energy and I hurt too much.  Those are the times that I can let depression in.

It’s the times when you least expect it that can throw me off and I let jealousy or resentment creep in.  Like when I hear about how productive someone’s day was and all that they were able to do.  I wasn’t expecting just hearing about someone’s day would cause me to become jealous of all that they were able to do.  It can happen when we’re out running errands on a good day and I see people jogging, knowing I will never run again.  It happens all the time and in the smallest of things sometimes.

Do I want to shut myself out from the world?  Do I want friends and family to think that they can’t tell me about their day?  Do I want my kids to stop asking me to do things with them or my friends to just stop asking me to go out?  The answer to all those questions is no!  Who knows, on a good day, I may actually be able to say yes and I always want to hear about their day.  It is just that sometimes it’s frustrating and upsetting, that’s all.

My life has changed drastically over the past four years and I am still learning how to live this new life.  Not so long ago, I was a single mom with three kids who could work full-time, take care of the kids, the house and I was truly beginning to enjoy life!  Now, quite frankly, it would be a small miracle to be able to shower every day!  I am in constant pain, just sitting here writing this is painful.  My back and shoulders are tensing up, it feels like my spine could snap at anytime and my tail bone feels like I sat on a knife.  I have to take breaks, try to get up and walk around or shift my weight around in my chair just to continue writing. Why do I continue to do it?  Because what else am I going to do?  Go lay down and take another pain pill and feel sorry for myself…no thank you!  This is my only outlet, my therapy if you will.  Over the past several months I have spent way too much time laying on the couch feeling sorry for myself because of a flare brought on by medication changes…thanks Doc!!

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Anyway, back to resentment and jealousy.  These are relationship killers right?  So what impact do you think it has on your relationship with yourself?  I still battle these issues as mentioned earlier, but I am beginning to realize that if I don’t learn to replace them with acceptance and understanding, I am just going to end up alone, scared and bitter.  I mean, if I can’t learn to accept and understand my situation and condition, how can I expect anyone to accept and understand me?  The question is how do we get there?  This is the question I have been trying to answer to for the past several years.  I do know that the answer is different for everyone.  What may end up working for me may not be the solution for you.  I have to fight the times when I want to feel sorry for myself and lash out at those around me.  Instead, I need to dig deep and really focus on what it is that has me feeling this way?  I keep coming back to wanting my old life back. I need to stop focusing on what I’ve lost and try to find things that I can still do that make me happy.  One of those things is writing.  I have left it alone for too long but now I am back!!

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