I want to apologize once again for my absence. As many of you can understand, it can be a challenge just to get to the computer and sit long enough to write a coherent paragraph. Honestly though, there’s really no excuse for it. I could literally go on paragraph after paragraph about the pain and exhaustion. I could go on about how things in my life have come up but really, it’s simply the lack of confidence in myself, confidence in my writing.
If I want to be completely honest, I have always wanted to be a writer. But I don’t want to write and not be my genuine self. I am not always optimistic or upbeat. I am not always hopeful or try to see the positive side of things, especially when it comes to “being sick”. I do get angry and frustrated. I do want to scream and cry at the same time. I do, at times, lose it and am reduced to a puddle of tears, sobbing uncontrollably because of the pain I am forced to endure daily and the guilt…oh, the guilt of it all!
I am not one of those people that others look to and think, “She is such a strong and positive person”. Nope, that’s not me! I am the one who gets frustrated almost daily by the things that I am no longer able to do. I am the person who can be grumpy or short with someone because of the pain. I do try…I try to be that positive and strong person…but that’s just not who I am. No one hears about us, those who don’t “cope” with our illness the best. Those who sometimes cry ourselves to sleep at night because we feel so alone in our pain. The harsh reality is, sometimes you do hear about us. You hear about us sometimes when we have lost all hope and feel so alone we see no other escape from the pain but through death…then you hear about us but you don’t know our story…you don’t know how we fight every day just to keep our head above water while others swim laps.
That’s why I want to write…that’s who I want to write for! I don’t want to be an inspiration. I want to be a voice, a voice telling others, YOU’RE NOT ALONE! We all can’t inspire others to keep fighting and that’s okay. I just want to be able to write for the people who are able to understand my ramblings and connect with some words on a screen. I want them to know they are not alone in their pain, I am here with you! I want them to know that it’s okay not to be so strong all the time but you can never give up!!