Losing Confidence

I want to apologize once again for my absence.  As many of you can understand, it can be a challenge just to get to the computer and sit long enough to write a coherent paragraph.  Honestly though, there’s really no excuse for it.  I could literally go on paragraph after paragraph about the pain and exhaustion.  I could go on about how things in my life have come up but really, it’s simply the lack of confidence in myself, confidence in my writing.

If I want to be completely honest, I have always wanted to be a writer.  But I don’t want to write and not be my genuine self.  I am not always optimistic or upbeat.  I am not always hopeful or try to see the positive side of things, especially when it comes to “being sick”.  I do get angry and frustrated.  I do want to scream and cry at the same time.  I do, at times, lose it and am reduced to a puddle of tears, sobbing uncontrollably because of the pain I am forced to endure daily and the guilt…oh, the guilt of it all!

I am not one of those people that others look to and think, “She is such a strong and positive person”.  Nope, that’s not me!  I am the one who gets frustrated almost daily by the things that I am no longer able to do.  I am the person who can be grumpy or short with someone because of the pain.  I do try…I try to be that positive and strong person…but that’s just not who I am.  No one hears about us, those who don’t “cope” with our illness the best.  Those who sometimes cry ourselves to sleep at night because we feel so alone in our pain.  The harsh reality is, sometimes you do hear about us.  You hear about us sometimes when we have lost all hope and feel so alone we see no other escape from the pain but through death…then you hear about us but you don’t know our story…you don’t know how we fight every day just to keep our head above water while others swim laps.

That’s why I want to write…that’s who I want to write for!  I don’t want to be an inspiration.  I want to be a voice, a voice telling others, YOU’RE NOT ALONE!  We all can’t inspire others to keep fighting and that’s okay.  I just want to be able to write for the people who are able to understand my ramblings and connect with some words on a screen.  I want them to know they are not alone in their pain, I am here with you!  I want them to know that it’s okay not to be so strong all the time but you can never give up!!

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4 thoughts on “Losing Confidence

  1. I totally relate to what you’re saying! I received my diagnosis a few years ago and although it was difficult to understand at first, MCTD isn’t a widely known disease, it reassured me that I was not crazy! It was reassurance that there was a reason for all my pain and fatigue! Since then, I have had a few more diagnosis added to the MCTD, and all the symptoms slowly started making more sense. Although there is no cure yet, we can continue to raise awareness and treat our symptoms as best we can!

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  2. I have gone a couple rounds with a very treatable thyroid cancer as well as living with UCTD for over 20 years. In all honesty the hardest thing was being in pain and doctors thinking I was just a nut job. Getting my DX was liberating. I had answers, I got Plaquenil, I was no longer “the head case” in exam room 3. I began to cope much better with the illness when the people around me also got answers. It

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  3. I can totally relate!! All we can do is take it one day at a time. Yes its frustrating, yes i get angry not being able to do all the things I used to do, but at the end of the day I am glad to still be here to see my kids grown and to see my grandsons. Some would call them little things but to me they are the big things in life!! huggs ❤ xoxo

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