Today as we were driving back from picking my son up at his dad’s house, it seemed that I was constantly bombarded by signs or billboards of events or activities that I can no longer participate in. There was one sign for SkyZone, which is a huge place that has trampolines in the floor. Another one was an advertisement for a local casino for New Year’s Eve party. Even the radio had commercials for New Year’s Eve parties and different events going on this week. Sometimes just seeing someone hurry across an intersection makes me envious!
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think how my life would be different if I didn’t have chronic pain. If I didn’t have Fibromyalgia, MCTD, Osteoarthritis, IBS and Migraines. What my life would be like if I could work and be a contributing member of society again. I truly feel like a young person trapped in the body of a 90-year-old. I mean I’m only 42, these are supposed to be the best years of my life, right? I miss being able to do things like going out with John, just relaxing and enjoy each other’s company.
Tonight I feel that longing even more. It is New Year’s Eve and I want to go out with my amazing boyfriend and bring in the new year out on the town. I would give anything to decide we are going out and simply go! I don’t even know what it would be like to just go without worrying about what kind of seating there will be, if I will need my cane or wheelchair (and if where we’re going is wheelchair accessible), if I can manage a shower and how I feel after getting ready. Ugh! There are times I use all my spoons for the day by simply getting a shower and making myself presentable. It’s no wonder we don’t go out very often, meaning maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I am pretty sure tonight we will spend the evening watching movies or one of our favorite TV series, followed by watching the ball drop and going to bed.
It’s times like these that I find it very difficult to accept my limited abilities. Yes, in the past I have trucked my way through the pain and fatigue and forced myself to go out. I also paid the price for several days, if not weeks after. During that time, I felt lucky I could still walk to the bathroom by myself! Well, with the assistance of a walker. So you see there is a price to be paid for using up more than a days worth of spoons. I am borrowing tomorrow’s spoons yes, but that loan has some crazy interest!