Breaking and Being Okay

Let’s be honest here, the truly worst part about having a chronic illness is how it can break you at times.  I mean it breaks you literally, physically, mentally and emotionally…totally breaks you.  The crazy thing about that is, you can go through so much day in and day out and be pretty okay, considering.  Somehow you manage to get through it all. 

Then one day, when caught off guard, a moment of flared up pain can unleash so much raw emotion and silent struggle that has been protected so carefully, that it literally takes your breath away and chokes you, forcing you to just lay there bawling, leaving a messy mixture of snot and tears running down your face, choking on air and pride while you curse yourself for allowing anyone to see that.  That is, if anyone did. 

And if someone did happen to witness your little breaking moment, even if they’re being super supportive and a shoulder to cry on, offering a roll of paper towels because you’re beyond tissues; you’re determined more than ever that you’re okay!  You’re fine!  You just had a moment of weakness and it’s passed.  You’ve just had a flare up and it’ll be okay…really.

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See, here’s another crazy thing about this… If someone wasn’t in the room when that raw emotion and silent struggle comes pouring out of you in a rare moment of weakness…you lay there, cursing yourself wishing someone was there!  Anyone, so maybe someone would understand just a little of how your chronic pain is affecting you or maybe they could just hold you for a little while you lay there and sob.  You know there’s really no possible way for them to understand, but it’d be nice to have a shoulder for a little while. 

But you also know that shoulder or no shoulder, you will pick yourself up, get that roll of paper towels and be okay another day because that’s what we do.  We have our moments where we have to let it out but once in awhile, it is really nice to know that others are there on the floor, on the bed, on the couch, with us because they understand and have been where we are.

If you ever need a virtual shoulder…you know where to find me!

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